What am I supposed to learn from this?

This morning I found myself crying for over an hour over a deep hurt by someone I love. I couldn't stop crying, and not gently crying... a heavy, Claire Danes from Homeland, ugly sob. Most people never see these anxiety/panic laced fits of mine. They are fewer and further between in recent years, as I have found some tools to help me manage my emotional waves. Nonetheless, my episode this morning had me unable to control the water spewing from my eyes or my shaking body. As I was curled up in fetal position, crying on my bed, I asked myself a question that I learned to ask in times of adversity, "What am I supposed to learn from this?"

I immediately felt a rush of calm run down my body and wrap me in a cocoon.

Without even knowing the answer to that question yet, I felt the energetic power of even thinking to ask that question. "Wow," I thought, "How beautiful is that?" Given that yesterday was World Mental Health Day, I wanted to share this story and this mantra that has helped me through multiple adversities this year. While I never get the answers right away, I have found that a few weeks go by after continuing to ask that question, and I end up living my way to an answer.

Here's hoping that I continue to receive the lessens intended for me so that I can break the patterns I am meant to push past in this lifetime. In the words of Anne Lamott, "Help. Thanks. Wow."

Dear light & dark sides,

I know you two don’t always get along. I know you can hold a lot of anger towards each other. I know you yell back and forth trying to get your voices heard over the other. I know you two only want what’s best for me and you both want to keep me safe, but I need you two to stop fighting. I need you two to stop being at opposite ends of the spectrum. I need you two to stand beside one another and focus more on mixing to make rainbow light all the time. You know that’s my superpower, so I need you two to stop focusing so much on being “right,” or keeping me “safe,” and focus on making some sweet magical rainbow light together. It’s clear to me that one side can’t do it alone. So instead of facing at each other and yelling, can you please stand side by side and keep asking yourself... how do we make that rainbow light together?

Letter to my inner selves written on July 3, 2017....Oh how far we have come along the rainbow road together since then.

The Closet Spiritualist.

This website is a long time coming. While I am definitely more open with my spirituality than I used to be, talking in a spiritual way very much felt like coming out of a closet for me. Even now, I feel that people who are spiritual can still live in a closet, but put out breadcrumbs to see who we might invite into our large, vast, universal sized closets... who we want to invite into our inner world. Especially in big cities and the corporate world where spirituality doesn't have a place out in public.

So why stay anonymous even though I am more open about it to my friends and network? Because I literally googled "coming out of the spiritual closet," when I was first reclaiming my beliefs and power in this world a few years ago. There was only one article at the time called, "how to come out of the psychic closet (and still be you)." While that article was mildly helpful, I felt there was a massive gap for someone who was feeling lost between a big city lifestyle and a spiritual exploration. This is blog is for all of the other closet spiritualists out there - especially in the corporate world - who are either well into their journey, or newly discovering this part of themselves. But let's be real, this blog is mostly for me to document my inner discoveries and musings about being a closeted spiritualist/hippie/woo woo geek in the corporate world.

With all the love and gratitude. Thank you for finding me. I hope this helps.